Book Review: Pastors' Wives by Lisa Takeuchi Cullen

I received a copy of this book from the LibraryThing Early Reviewers program.  I enjoyed it, a lot more than I thought I would.  The story is told from 3 points of view and this is an effective way to move the story along.  I feel there is something to be admired in each woman without watering her personality down too much.
Ruthie is the wife of a man called to be a pastor at a time when her own faith in God is failing.  The two move from New Jersey down to Atlanta for him to become the Associate Pastor at a "megachurch."  She is an honest and complex character, one I felt would be overlooked in an average "chick lit" or "beach read" type book.  She is a born and raised Catholic, and while she attends her husband's new church each week and doesn't hesitate to work there without pay, she also never feels fully embraced by it either.
Candace is the wife of the Pastor of the megachurch, one who is not paid but nonetheless spends every minute just as immersed in the life of the church as her husband.  She was my favorite character--I love female characters who know how to get things done while maintaining a ladylike demeanor.  (I'm from the South, and to me, Candace is a classic Southern Lady.)  But I also love her relationship with God, how much time she spends in prayer herself, and how she is brave enough to go where the Holy Spirit guides. 
Ginger is the 3rd woman in the story, and she is married to Candace's son.  With 2 children under the age of 5 and an absentee husband who is off saving the world, she 's left alone to make it through the day as best she can.  Candace is an overbearing presence to her, as many mother-in-laws are, and Ginger has reason to fear: her past is not what everyone believes, it's much dirtier, and living the lie each day is the real challenge she is facing.  While I found the choices she makes to be hard to believe, they're also valid, well-thought-out and add a surprise twist to the story I didn't see coming.
I highly recommend this book to readers who love women's fiction but need something new to make them excited about the genre again.  I also think fans of Christian lit will enjoy the book; as I said, Candace's faith is a shining example of what we can all aspire to have as our own. 4 stars out of 5

Psalm 37:4

This was written several months ago and I never got around to publishing it.  But with the holidays come all kinds of memories, and not all of them are good.  I'm nervous about my upcoming extended-family get-together.  My heart has been broken many ways this year, by many people in many ways.  A small part of me wants to skip all the hoopla, that part that likes to hide and pretend that there's nothing "out there" worth it.  I know better, I have no intention in hiding from anything.  But for now...this is me.


Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.  Psalm 37:4   


My entire 36 years of existence has been both based on and haunted by this Scripture. 

"Based on" because in 1974 my strictly devout Baptist parents sat their 9 and 6 year old boys down and said that they felt a little girl was needed to complete the family.  And so they prayed, and because this was before ultrasound, they did not know until I was born that God had answered their prayers.  I was dedicated to the Lord a few weeks later, and this Scripture was my blessing.

"Haunted by" because by the time I was 8, my oldest brother who I fought with constantly was away at college, my middle brother was 15 and while he loved me greatly, he was a teenager, so...well, you understand.  And my parents got divorced.  Not a friendly divorce either--it was a full-out battle from 1984 until right before Christmas 1993 when I had to go to court testify against my father for not paying child support--during my Christmas break from college.

"Delight thyself?"  There was no delight.  My brothers went off and lived their own lives, and I was raised pretty much as an only child.  My father knew that my mother's biggest fears centered around me, so he did everything he could to torture her--not paying child support, late drop-offs from forced visitation weekends, threats galore, all breaking my heart every single time.

My mother loves me to this day, and reminds me that it's HER delight she was praying for.  But I was still bitter--WHY would they spend all that time praying for me, only to leave me to fend for myself?  My total anger at my father and my brothers has become a real problem at several times in my life, and since I believe in counseling, I always ended up being able to move on...until the next time.

At Easter this year, there was what can only be described as an explosion between all of us--and my husband and I withdrew from my side of the family completely.  Once again, I was all alone.

Let me backtrack a little, and say that my mother was an amazing single mother.  No longer strictly devout, she was still a child of Christ, and taught me both by example and education about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  She would also rant and rave at God, shaking her fists towards the sky in complete anger at God--something I considered to be a sign of strength, such bravery she showed me!  (She is embarrassed by that, and would hate me writing it, but I'm doing it anyway.)

She also showed me by example that there are times in Life when you are so hopeless, so scared, feeling so worthless, that not even kneeling before God is enough--lying prostrate on the floor is the only way to ask God for His intervention to guide your way.

So, back to this year--I had a day come where I was like that--so heartbroken, so hopeless and helpless that I literally l found myself down on the floor, begging for answers and guidance and light--and I was given comfort through Grace:

For the first time in my 36 years, I realized that it was not just my 2 brothers and parents at that table praying for me, but that JESUS was there too, praying right along beside them for my existence.  That even though my human father had done such damage to my soul, that even though my brothers lived their own lives and left me to face it alone, and that even though the explosion had happened that shattered what relationships we all had--none of it mattered.

JESUS had been beside me all along.  He'd never abandoned me.  He'd never gotten mad at me and not called for months on end.  JESUS wanted me, had prayed for me and continued to do so--and that blew my mind.

I sincerely pray that Jesus does join my family for the celebration of His birth.  And also yours.  He is also called "Wonderful Counselor," you know :)

This is still my favorite time of the year, and I've made the conscious decision to make sure our home has a merry state-of-mind. 

More of This Past Week's Crafts

I'm feeling better now, thank God.  Viruses are horrible---colds are bad, but viruses...I'll take a 2-week cold over a 48-hour virus any day!  This was the sickest I've been since before our son was born, and we only remember last time because I had to go to the emergency room.  

Anyway, a few notes to add about this post and the previous one: none of the wall art is actually hung up on the wall, which makes for weird perspectives in pictures.  I also did not edit any pictures in the previous post, so pay no attention to dirty carpet, random cat sightings or other "odd-ness" in the backgrounds, lol.

"Consider the Lilies"

This was inspired by a piece from Red Letter Words (a company I have immense respect for, so check it out and have a look around.)  The phrase "Consider the lilies" is from Scripture from a section in Luke 12:22-44 entitled "Do Not Worry."  

I worry constantly, about everything, and the only words I ever noticed in this passage were the subtitle of "Do Not Worry."  Since that was all I saw, I skipped over the passage until I was shown its Truth by Red Letter Word's version (and I only noticed it then because of my flower obsession, and their version has these cute Pottery Barn-looking flowers on it.)  Specifically, verses 27-28 in the NIV:  

27“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 

I was so moved by this, that I had to make my own version of the passage to remind myself of it.  I mean, the idea that God thought to put beauty in what is essentially the ashes of yesterday's fire, yet He loves us so much He made us in the image of Him--we're so much more than we give ourselves credit for!  So, I had no real plan of how to incorporate "Consider the Lilies" into an art piece but I'm so pleased with the result!!

These things are red rose petals, a bag of 300 from the Dollar Tree's bridal section.  I didn't like them for several reasons, but I thought I could create something beautiful with them, and for a dollar, I thought it was worth the risk....  

So, using craft paint, I painted each petal, usually both sides since I was using a cake pan and the paint soaked through the thin petals a little (aren't I such a glam crafter? Using a cake pan to paint and hold supplies, and a Crayola brush to paint with!  True story: hubby saw me using this pan and said "So that's where my cornbread pan went."  I said "what?  I didn't think anyone used this" since I don't eat cornbread and I don't cook really either. "Yes, and I've been looking for it for several weeks now!" Oops!!)  

Anyway, I let the petals dry, did a 2nd coat, and then made a flower.  It was not a pretty flower--so bad in fact that I tore it apart pretty quickly hoping to salvage some of the petals.  I made a 2nd one I was happier about, but when I made the 3rd one is when I hit the perfect arrangement and so made a 4th to match exactly.  

Kind of hard to tell, but it's a really pretty flower, I promise

I knew I needed 2 full and pretty matching flowers for this project, because I had a matched set of frames, 2 squares and one rectangle.

I'm not an ornate gold frame kind of person, so here's two of the frames in the middle of the project, one painted black and the other in the original form.

But, this set is still not on my walls, because I've been very, very inspired lately.  Look for more posts, because Blogger and I are not getting along very well at the moment....

Flowers for Aunt Mae

I've never been good at being a regular blogger.  I have times where I'm really into it, and others where I go weeks or even MONTHS between posts.  Anyway, in addition to getting used to James going to school, then him beginning to ride the bus, we've also had car woes and my Aunt died.  She called me "Kimby," she was the only one to ever do that.  I liked her calling me a special name........

She died at home, free of pain thanks to medications, and with her family surrounding her.  Towards the end she kept saying "It's so beautiful" and kept talking to loved ones who had previously passed away as if they were in the room.  And this is kinda...unexplainable: she said "Well hi, I didn't know you were up here" to a man in her church that she didn't know had died.  Seriously, no one had told her because while it's a small town, our family had its own death drama to survive.  So, it's wonderful to think of Aunt Mae at the "pearly gates" with my grandparents and cousins and so forth. 

So, with relatives on my mind, I made this today:

Inspired by a post on another blog, I used the lace from my mother's wedding dress, a pink t-shirt that no longer fits, and a black frame I had lying around.  The flowers look sort of pink in white glue in this picture, but they're actually more t-shirt and lace mixes.  Now don't think I'm being sentimental, my mother's wedding dress was from 1961, badly damaged and worn for a wedding that was laid to rest back in 1984.  But--it was lace, and I've really been wanting to make crafts for me lately, as opposed to things the whole family would like.  I love the femininity of this, it's something I could see having in my closet or over my tub for the next 50 years (in my "boudoir," in particular, lol.)

Also, well, it's the flowers that started the whole project.  I've been collecting examples of "fake flowers" for quite some time.  I have an entire Pinterest board dedicated just to flowers.  I have at least 20 tutorials, but I've only made a couple (and yes, pom-poms were one of them, I'll be trying that project again because they're "so fluffy I wanna die!")  So I've been collecting "burning" fabric for a while now, and I happened to find enough the other day for a simple pin:

(bad picture, sorry, glam is hard to photograph without effort)

Only 8 petals and a glam button from my stash, but it was my gateway drug :)  I don't recommend starting, because it IS addicting!  Flowers just look so happy, sitting there waiting to liven up a boring craft. 

Oh, and I was also enabled by The Headband Challenge and Link Party at Little Miss Mama by way of Amie at Kitty Cats and Airplanes.  I especially loved Amie's headbands all week long, and after much thought I just had to try one.  I was so thrilled by it that I took about 50 pictures (seriously, it was sad) and kept on crafting.  So here's a couple of pictures of my first headband (my other pictures weren't good at all, but I made a headband with a cream ribbon and stacked bow and then a plain denim one.)  And at the end is a picture of the collected flowers from today. 

see the awesomeness of my flower?

posed on my lace and flowers frame

and this doesn't include the ones on my headbands or from my craft the other day.  Oh, I never posted that!  Look:

I was on my way to bed when an empty box of soda cans somehow inspired me to stay up until 4am making tissue flowers and a felt sun and happy clouds.  It makes me smile just looking at it :)

It's been a good day.  Aunt Mae would have enjoyed my flowers.

Lessons Not Learned

First and foremost, I want to make an amusing observation.  I've entered contests all over the blog world, and on a lot of them, they list the title of the last post you made on your blog.  "Pom-poms are evil" was perhaps not the best title to introduce my blog to new readers, lol.

So, on to more palatable titles......

I'm at a crossroads in my life.  My birthday is coming up, my son is starting Kindergarten, I'm DUE a crossroads.  There has been some...unpleasantness I've been having to face this year, and I'm doing a lot of therapy, art journaling, thinking, reminiscing, etc.  

I was going through my "treasure chest" last night.  You have one too, right?  Cards from your husband, invitations to friends' weddings, movie tickets, that kind of stuff.  I happen to have an envelope full of my writing, some going back to middle school!  

Anyway, some papers made me cry (my grandmother died,) some were fond memories (emails between me and my husband when we first started dating,) and others, well, they helped put some recent events in my life into perspective.  And then..............  I found the MONSTER at the End of My Recollections.  (Reference to a Grover book there, sort of.  Sesame Street is on my mind for more than one reason right now.)

A back story to get to the current story: my first boyfriend, the serious kind, broke up with me when OJ was riding around in the White Bronco.  (I wonder if he remembers that too?)  I kinda "lost it," and ended up going to counseling a couple of times a week that summer.  The end result, the BREAKTHROUGH I had right before heading back to college, was that my feelings of abandonment weren't about the boyfriend, they were about my brothers and my father, all 3 of whom had willingly exited my life the year before.  WOW, I thought, it's a good thing I learned this NOW (16 years ago) so I can move on.  This way it won't be an issue with my husband or children!

And then I got married.  To a "man" (this is so cliche I can't even stand to admit it, you know what's coming, right?)  A man EXACTLY like my father.  We didn't last, I bet you're SHOCKED, right, didn't see that coming......  Ridiculous.  But, I thought, I realize NOW what I did wrong, how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

And I can honestly say that my marriage now is to a wonderful man, a supportive and involved and loving human being who is so different from any man in my birth family.  I mean, we have issues, we're normal people, neither of us thinks the other is perfect.  But he is pretty much the exact opposite of my father and brothers.  He'd never turn his back on me. I know this, he's shown me time and again. 

And now you're all caught up.  We're happily married, I've got the whole birthday/school thing happening, as well as the men in my family pulling out yet again....  And without warning, my old nemesis, the Monster named Abandonment walked in my subconscious.  Suddenly I'm PUSHING everyone away from me.  "They were gonna leave anyway," says the Monster.  And there's all kinds of whispered lies he's been feeding me the last few weeks.

And I realized last night: DAMN IT, I thought I was OVER this!  It's been 16 years!  By this time, the Monster could get a driver's license or go to prison for life if he killed someone.  I am absolutely FURIOUS at this fear showing up now--you have no idea how mad I was.  Mad enough that I didn't want it to give the Monster any credit for appearing in my Art Journal.  So, I picked up one of the other books I'd set aside to alter once mine was full.  A Sesame Street book.  With a horrible orange monster on the cover.  With stories inside about kittens, girls with my name, and even a story about abandonment.  

Can you believe it?  I had to just sit there and laugh for a few minutes. I like to think it was a few minutes that God laughed with me, that Our Creator KNEW weeks ago that I'd be grabbing that book in particular to turn into a RAGE journal, and so He left all these signs for me so I would be able to have a good chuckle at a very low moment, and remind me that He does have me in the palm of His hand.  That as bad as I feel and as bad as I have been acting, He still loves me, and He's given me a husband who does as well.

And if that wasn't enough.......just look what else He led me to:

Red Letter Words, and this in particular:

 

My eyes opened a little wider, and then, then Dear Reader, I saw this:

I cried.  And began to heal once again.