New Year, New Word 2014

More information about the One Little Word meme can be found on Ali Edwards' blog.  My word for 2014 is FORWARD.  There are several ways to use this word, and it can be almost any particle of speech.  I like that about this word!  It's flexible and can be used in so many ways.  For the sake of this post, I'm only going to define the word as I see myself being able to use it.  (For example, although it can be a noun meaning a position in football, basketball and soccer, I'm not looking at FORWARD that way.)

for·ward
Adverb Also, forwards.

• toward or at a place, point, or time in advance; onward; ahead (to move forward; from this day forward; to look forward.)
• toward the front (Let's move forward so we can hear better.)
• into view or consideration; out; forth (He brought forward several good suggestions.)
• ahead

Adjective

• directed toward a point in advance; moving ahead; onward (a forward motion.)
• being in a condition of advancement; well-advanced (It was quite forward in the season when we finished our planting.)
• ready, prompt, or eager.
• presumptuous, impertinent, or bold (a rude, forward child.)
• situated in the front or forepart (the forward part of the ship.)

Verb (used with object)

• to send forward; transmit, especially to a new address (to forward a letter)
• to advance or help onward; promote (The training will help to forward your career.)

I'm ready for my life to move ahead.  I have been separated since December 2012 but my divorce is not yet final.  I'm ready to move on past this failed marriage and on to something better. 
I have many projects that have been at the bottom of my to-do list for too long; it's time to either do them or abandon the idea entirely. 
I see a point in the near future where my priorities will be changing.  Diet and exercise must be put forth to the top of the list.  My very life depends on it.  I am well-advanced on this already, with having my gastric bypass, but life has been forever changed for me.  

I am ready and eager to be healthier (and smaller!) and I believe my self-confidence will improve to the point where I can be bold with sharing my ideas, thoughts and feelings with new people.  

(I have no plans to be rude, though.) 
I want to be situated in the front seat of my own life, to be in control and not so reactionary.  I want to promote myself in my life, in my community and socially as well.

I'm looking forward to 2014 in general.  Life has been good to me in the past year and my blessings have been abundant.  My gratitude is stronger than ever.  I am stronger than ever.  I'm ready for this year!

New Year, New Word Review of 2013

In 2013, my word for the year was BETTER.  I think it was one of the most successful words possible and my life was better in 2013 in more ways than I can count.  My year was "of a superior quality" than any year in my recent past.  I got out of my comfort zone more often than not.  I made sure that my life was transparent in such a way that I was living up to my morals and values.  No secrets, no lies, no shame.  My year was "morally superior and more virtuous."

My health has undergone an amazing "improvement."  On December 10 I had gastric bypass surgery.  In the past 27 days I've lost more than 30 pounds, and I'm down more than 50 pounds since October.  By the time I left the hospital, my blood pressure was back to normal and I no longer need medication for it.  In fact, I've been able to stop taking several medications.  I'll write more about my gastric bypass in another post. 

My life is now "preferable" in every way in comparison to my life in the past 15 years or so.  It is "more" in all the best ways imaginable.

This is not to say my life is perfect; it isn't.  In fact, it's far from perfect.  And I don't want a perfect life--I believe there is no such thing and to have that as a goal is to fail before beginning.  But my life is better than it was a year a ago when I chose my word for the new year.  That was my goal, and I have succeeded.

I discovered my strength this year.  My creativity has flowed in new directions.  I discovered courage in my heart during times when I thought there was none to be found.  2013 will be remembered as one of the best years of my life!

I want to remember... List

Saturday April 20, 2013: 

• James "got" a cultural reference on The Fairly Odd Parents and gave what I can only describe as a "guffaw" in response to it.  It was partly a celebratory "Hey, I understand that!" and partly an honest laugh to the show. 
• James and the little girl he was playing with at the Local Arts and Craft show running out of the welcome center house and down the stairs as if they were being chased by some ghost.  And then the fire truck rolling by and the deep fear I suddenly had that they had pulled the fire alarm for fun. {they didn't!}
• I'm proud of myself for not tying my self-esteem to my crafts, and for taking the risk of putting myself "out there."  I'm reading Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead and I feel like I totally showed up for the challenge and survived.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable without sacrificing my values.

Friday April 26, 2013:

•  The joy and pride I felt for my niece who graduated college tonight.
• That in spite of wheezing, I was able to walk the whole thing, including steps with no handrails.  "Before" I would've assumed I just couldn't do it and stayed home, missing out on life.
• Listening to MrRonald make jokes--I love his sense of humor.

Saturday April 27, 2013:

• Doing a great grocery shop with James.
• Helping my mom clean out her garage.  I helped, and that's not something I can say very often.  And it was fun watching Mom and MrRonald argue over the keep/toss piles ;P
• Playing card games like Skip-Bo Jr and "War" with James. 

 Sunday April 28, 2013:

• Setting all of James's toy men up, army-style in rows of good guys vs. bad guys
• James asking me "What is that white thing on top of the new tea pitcher?" and me having to explain "It's a lid."  So funny!
• Playing Uno and having to call James out for "excess celebration in the end zone."  And realizing how weird it is that I consider us a "non-sports" family but I use football terms like that.  Also "foul ball," "home run," and "fore!"  
• Still wearing the blue topaz pinky ring from my Mom, and realizing that if I never wear any other stone for the rest of my life, I love blue topaz enough to be happy with it.  Reminds me of my mom's eyes, and James's eyes.  Plus it varies in blue color from navy to almost-clear, so it matches everything. :)
• Reading the brand-new Sophie Kinsella book "Wedding Night" and having a crying fit because Fliss realizes that because of her divorce, her "family" is gone forever, and so is mine.
• Realizing that that's okay.  Really.  It's okay.

Wednesday May 1, 2013:

• I'm blessed that everyone I love is healthy and able-bodied.
• I adore Chloe and she makes me want a dog of my own.  But then it's also just as good to be able to give her back.  She's the perfect dog because she can come visit yet I don't have to bear the full weight of her responsibility.
• Loving Supernatural is unique to me, and I must settle for no one else caring about it the way I do for now.  I must not give in to temptations to call my ex, who doesn't even watch it anymore.  And I'm sad that the show I love so much makes me feel lonelier, but that is how it has to be.
• I'm having a hard time as a parent right now, but it will pass.

I want to remember...

I'm taking a video class on Journaling techniques from Ali Edwards through Scrapbook.com.  One of the methods she mentioned is using a repetitive theme such as "I love..." or "I'm thankful for...."  The third example is very inspiring to me, and I'm planning on using it often.  "I want to remember..." is pretty much my entire motivation for doing Project Life, and especially this year, the first one in our small town, the first one as a single parent in a divorce situation.  A year of firsts, actually!

Sometimes it's easier for me to type notes than to hand-write them for our PL album layouts.  So I'm going to use a repetitive phrase often, and keep a track of it here on my blog.  In this way, I hope to personalize and capture our lives without sacrificing materials or having to keep up with journal cards.  So, the next post will begin my official list of moments I want to remember forever

What I've Been Up To -- A Round-Up

I've been crafting as much as possible, but it's much, much harder being a single Mom than I expected (and I grew up with a single Mom, so I knew it was tough already!)  Also my supplies are here, there and everywhere, and that's a challenge: I have almost no craft paint--where did it all go??  But this also means I'm using and de-stashing what I do have, and that's excellent.

 

It's hard to take credit for these, because it was mainly arranging jump rings in the right way, but these are three of my jewelry pieces I completed in the last month.  These blue crystals are ones I've had since 2010!!  See what I mean about needing to de-stash?   The picture on the left is a crude attempt at wire-wrapping, which is harder than it looks, people!  The 2nd photo of a jumble using a large dark blue crystal is simply on a large jump ring with several wire-wrapped pieces I bought from other sellers, which I took apart and re-arranged.  The 3 light blue crystals are attached to a wide-link chain using jump rings, and I'm so glad to get all 5 of these crystals onto necklaces!

This is a 16x20 canvas with 2 coats of crimson acrylic paint and hearts cut out from a pad of black, gray and white patterned paper.  The shiny paint worked out well with Mod Podge Gloss, so I'm glad I didn't have to handle the sheen issue with this one.  I'm very into black and white decor right now, with red accents, so this piece became my inspiration for decorating our new place (when we get one.)  And my beloved turquoise fits in well too, which makes me happy.



As far as a sketchbook, I've just started one this past week.  I'm using a Blick 9x12 Mixed Media wirebound journal.  I have been low on inspiration, but decided to let my desire for organization and order lead the way.  When in doubt, make a color chart!  :)

I have 19 Caran D' Ache Neocolor IIs now, {but no craft paint!!  LOL!!} and I bought myself the 12-piece set of Derwent Art Bars for Christmas, and they're extremely similar so far.  I've seen where other artists greatly prefer one over the other, but I haven't done much with either, so I have no strong preference yet.  

This is an attempt at a side-by-side color comparison chart.  I wanted to see color families together, rather than going by their names.  I've written the name of each in its space, so it's a great way to see what color I need.  (The whole violet/purple/magenta thing gets me every time, and my reds go purple or my purples go red.)  

Up next features this graph which was made on one of those insomnia nights, when I just could not go to sleep.  Allowing myself to go a little insane over straight lines and perfect squares keeps my mind off the clock, so I'm more focused on the page in front of me than on "Oh man, I have to get up in ... hours!"

 These are my markers.  These are everything from Crayola markers to Faber-Castell Pitt Big Brush Artist Pens, and also some Sharpies and "Power Liner" alcohol markers from the clearance section of Hobby Lobby.  In this case, it's about the color and not the quality.  I was also able to throw many markers away that had dried up over time.

I also have a blending marker, and the alcohol inks react with it and makes a kind of watercolor pencil thing happen, and I'll be exploring that in the future.

This last craft is more fun than craft, but whatever.  My son is totally obsessed with Batman right now, and I think we own every single Imaginext Batman toy there is.  Guess who comes with almost every set?  Batman!  We were drowning in Batmen, so James asked me to paint his extras into new costumes.  The lime green paint is a free sample of Liquitex acrylic spray paint, and the dark gray was made using black acrylic mixed with a tiny bit of white.  The 3rd one got painted red, but you can only see a little of him in this photo.  

James named them Grass, Oil and Fire, but I'm not sure if they are bad guys, good guys, goons or sidekicks. 


The Liquitex spray paint is AWESOME!!  It is seriously fun to use, it's not anything like normal spray paint.  There is a depth of color, it's basically the same as their regular acrylics except in a format that is easy to use, inexpensive and I even used it on some papier-mache shapes from Michael's with a brush and it worked beautifully.  (I had no other green to use!  Ugh, I hate moving!!)  I took pictures of the cute lil' flower, but they mysteriously disappeared and I have nothing to show you, but you should try out the Liquitex Spray Paint.

Thanks for seeing what all I've been up to.  I love this last picture of the newly-painted Batmen, so let it inspire you to do something totally crazy with your art supplies!

My 100th Post!! Project Life Weeks 1-5

This is my 100th post on this blog!  

I'm so excited, and for it to be about Project Life is a wonderful coincidence!

I'm doing our Project Life book a little different than most people.  Because we aren't super active, and I don't take a lot of pictures, I'm using only one 12x12 page per week.  This means that when the album is open and you see two page protectors, that's 2 weeks worth.  I am using both Style A and Style D of the Photo Pocket Pages.

I'm just starting and finding my way.  I decided to just BEGIN and then I can always go back and make changes to my album--which I've done several times already.  So here are the photos of my first few weeks:

Opening Page

My opening page, which includes cards from the Cherry Core Kit, some Life Quote Cards I downloaded from Project Life's freebie section, and some digital scrapbooking pieces I printed.  The teal quote on the bottom left is one of my favorites.  It says "everyday I fall in love with you more and more.  well, not yesterday, yesterday you were pretty annoying."  I'm not sure where I got it from, but it's our sense of humor, and keeps things from becoming too "Perfect Life."

Week 1 Left Page

For the first week, I did use a 2-page spread.  We moved into a new place in a new town and started a new school.  So a LOT happened that week. The giant camera on the bottom left is a digital scrapbooking clip art I had printed.  The other elements are from the core kit.

Week 1 Right Page

The bottom center is a card from the core kit that is a beautiful turquoise flower, one I'll be using as filler art a lot, I believe :)  The "Be Awesome Today" and "I have found that if you love life, life will love you right back" are digital scrap elements.

Week 2

 The yellow card on the top right will be a picture of me celebrating after hooking the TV, Blu-Ray player and cable box up by myself--something all single Moms should celebrate!  This page includes a small photo of one of my son's pictures of his Angry Birds toy set--he loves to take pictures of his toys, and they're usually a good fit for the 3x4 slots.  One day I'm sure we'll look back and try to remember what happened to those!

Week 3

There's that beautiful turquoise flower again!  Week 3 started off with a make-over for me (thanks Mom!) and spending a beautiful sunny MLK Day exploring town and ended with me and James both sick with bad colds.  The temperature dropped significantly that week!

Week 4

So this week started with us both being sick--and the funny picture of me is one I would never have scrapped before, but one thing I've learned through Project Life is that the "normal" moments, the ones with your hair messed up or laundry in the background, are often the best photos to keep.  The silhouette of the girl with a ponytail is actually the card that came with a stamped necklace I'd ordered from a site called Between You and Me, and I love it so much.  The blank spot on the bottom right will be a picture of it.

Week 5

This page is one I'm not happy with.  I can't really explain why though; too much white, maybe.  I love the picture of my Mom, taken in Home Goods while we shopped on a "Girly Day" while James was at his Dad's.  The Visitor card and the receipt below it are from the Book Fair--and I'm always a sucker for buying books for James, and this was the most I'd ever spent at one fair.  But we got some cool new books, real comic books for Adventure Time (which is totally mathematical!!) and Ninjago.  

The book page photo on the bottom right is probably not going to stay, but it's an important lesson for me.  I'd been collecting Book Page projects for about 2 years.  Since I'm such a book lover, I thought I'd love these craft projects.  So I finally (yes, after 2 whole years) got around to making one from a canvas I was trying to salvage, and...I HATED it.  It looks like a bunch of torn pages laying on the floor.  Or hanging on the wall, depending on where it is.  I ended up deleting almost every pin from my Book Page Pinterest board and throwing away some books I'd been keeping just for these crafts.

Ironically, I found this quote on Pinterest last night, and it sums up my major problem:

Source

Instead of collecting Book Page projects, I should have tried one first.  Oh well, Life Lesson learned!

At this point, I fell behind.  My son's birthday was at the end of February, and between that and Valentine's Day, school conferences and a trip to my brother's house in Alabama, I was too busy living life to have time to create my layouts.  I have sooooo many pictures though!  I'm planning on making a couple of 12x12 classic scrapbook pages for James's birthday pictures and another for our trip.

I also have a TON of new journaling cards and 3x4 art cards.  Most are from Studio Calico, who has a monthly Project Life kit I was on the waiting list for, and from Memos Cards from Echo Park paper company I bought at Hobby Lobby.  So I know for sure that these pages are going to change.  But I also know I must STOP going back over my first pages obsessively and instead move on and catch up!

Since this is an image-heavy post, I'm going to make my 101st post a round-up of my crafts and art that I've been up to.  Thank you for reading!

Musings on Spring

Lots of things about my life have changed.  If there is one thing I've learned, it's that the only thing that never changes in Life is that nothing ever stops changing.  Change is a good thing, especially as the freezing cold mornings give way to cooler, foggy mornings that smell like roses and freshly-planted gardens.  We "Spring Clean" to clear out all the old, unused stuff we own and brighten up our homes as we put away the winter clothes.  I've realized just the past week how much I love Spring.  All the bright and happy flowers, the warm sun and the longer evenings make me smile.

I've neglected this blog, but that's actually a good thing.  Life is keeping me busy and I have little time to sit in front of my computer and write about the crafts I've been up to.  My son and I have moved to a small town and we're currently in an in-between home.  I know there is a permanent home for us here; I just pray I find it soon!  Our current place is larger than we need and while it is a beautiful home, it's not our home--and all our things are in storage.  Or the trunk of my car, or at our old home.....

Be patient with me, I have been up to art and have pictures to share.  I've been concentrating first on a Project Life album for 2013, secondly on art, with some sketchbook work thrown in in the past few days.  Good things are on their way!

I hope you too are enjoying the beginnings of Spring.  I'm a Christian, and Easter has always been a favorite holiday.  It feels triumphant, in a different way than Christmas does.  Christ overcame death so that we may have ever-lasting life--how amazing and humbling that is!  Plus Cadbury Mini-Eggs are the best candy ever!! ;D

New Year, New Word

More info about the One Little Word meme can be found on Ali Edwards' blog through this link.  It's 2013, and there have been lots of changes in my personal life recently.  To celebrate, reflect and strengthen my life, this year my word is

BETTER [bet-er]

Adjective:

1. of superior quality or excellence:  a better coat; a better speech.

2. morally superior; more virtuous:  They are no better than thieves.

3. of superior suitability, desirability, acceptableness, etc

4. preferable:  a better time for action.

5. larger; greater:  the better part of a lifetime.

6. improved in health; healthier than before.

7. completely recovered in health.

Adverb:

8. in a more appropriate or acceptable way or manner:  

to behave better.

9. to a greater degree; more completely or thoroughly:  He knows

the way better than we do. I probably know him better than anyone else.
10. more:  I walked better than a mile to town.

REDUCE: Missing Out on Moments Like These

I am annoyed at Blogger at this particular moment, but I'll get over it.  Because you know, there's no way it could be MY fault that the post I was editing somehow got deleted, and I easily forgive technology for its shortcomings.

So, from what I can recover: 

...Missing Out on Moments Like These:

James, Christmas Morning, literally seconds before tearing into his gifts

Do you remember this feeling?  On Christmas morning, just the very idea that some stranger brought you the perfect gifts?  And everything looks different, and it's like the perfect dream come to life.  These are the days I hope to remember as he graduates high school, gets married--those days when you think back to when life was simple (even though it isn't) and it was so easy to make your child happy (even though it isn't.)  I'm so very, very happy with my memories of the holidays this year.  We were "unplugged," no laptops, no phones full of texts or drama.

Since my "One Word, One Goal, One Year" is REDUCE, I can see how I'm missing out on my son's life.  I take pictures--but then they have to be uploaded, edited, emailed around.  I talk to my husband and son every evening, except that at least 50% of my attention is focused on my computer, simply strolling Pinterest for Eye Candy.  My husband is usually doing Facebook games or playing World of Warcraft with his Dad online--but he's better at the whole "divided attention" thing.  I have 600+ pictures of projects I will never get around to doing or furniture I'll never be able to afford, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the day will NEVER come when I refinish and paint my own "accent pieces."

So I sit, and I stare, and I'm not actually happy being so lazy and disconnected.

But.... I have no clue at all what ADVENTURES my son is conquering with his toys just 5 feet away from me.  If the choice is between getting more and more depressed as I see more and more of what I cannot do, obviously playing with James is much more fun and satisfying.

Quick back story: My brothers are 10 and 7 years older than me.  They have joined forces to make every Christmas and birthday "miserable" for me by buying the loudest, most annoying and, to be honest, usually the most fun toys possible for my child.  (Was I really that bratty as a kid?)  James was 2 when he got a toy drum set and a RC car that made the most horrible noises ever (I will admit here that the car "stopped working" due to having the batteries removed ;P)  Similar toys followed, and it's been fun to see them top the obnoxiousness of last year's gifts.  We got a very cool 2 loop inversion-type car track last year--but 2011 brought this awesome toy into our lives:

I wonder if the creator of this set grew up in Atlanta?  Or does every major city have a point where at least 2 major interstate highways intersect?  Anyway, it's fun, but loud, which doesn't matter because it makes James laugh so much.  He LOVES this thing.  It's supposed to have several cars going at once, which takes more dexterity than we have at this moment--but just one car is still fun.  Oh, a fair warning though: the cars also tend to go flying off the track and into your walls, so that's why it's on our large coffee table in the middle of the room.

Hot Wheels Criss Cross Crash Track Set

Last night though, I knew the track was on and cars were flying, but I didn't really pay attention until I heard the roar of a dragon.

Yes, that is a dragon (Christmas 2009) eating a "whale" (a plush dolphin purchased for $1 at a school fundraiser.)  (I especially love this dragon because I think he sounds just like my husband waking up in the morning....)

So where does the race track join the show?  Apparently the dragon had been at sea to catch a whale, and was bringing his "take-out" home to eat. Along the way he found traffic was especially bad, so of course it was a good time for a good game of Dragon Stomp:

Total annihilation is awesome stress-relief ;p

All this destruction was accompanied by my son's maniacal "evil laugh," which is most likely the source of my amusement.  I didn’t play with him, but it was enough for him to have an adoring crowd.

What I've learned so far : 

As adults, we think about "what goes together."  We think and focus on the full scene that's in front of us: these dishes go with those glasses but a different tablecloth; this old side table is too small to use as a nightstand but looks terrible in the living room; the comforter in the guest room looks terrible with this paint. 

Kids see everything as equal and useful--it does not matter that Superman and Thomas the Tank Engine could never join forces to destroy The Joker's evil lair which is comprised of wooden building blocks, Lego's and the pizza box from last night's dinner.

**I wonder how much more we could accomplish if we tried these ideas ourselves: what’s fun about this table setting for Valentine’s—oh, those cute scrapbook stickers can dress up the plain napkin holders and I can use the red Mardi-Gras beads around the chandelier to make the dining room look special.**

**This small table can go in the library so we have a place for a lamp in there.  We can move that extra rocking chair in there too and make it a fun place to read as well as store books.**  
**Since we never have company and have yet to have an actual “guest” use the “guest room,” let’s move that old sofa and the “pre-flatscreen”TV in there and have a mini Family Theater room.**
**Or, I can check the thrift stores for a comforter cover that matches the room.**

Kids play and use whatever they've got close-by to contribute to the action.  What do I have close-by to use in my art journal or to make a very cool bracelet or how can I use my craft stash to come up with something completely awesome....  Let's play!

One Word, One Goal, One Year

I found a great idea on Less Cake More Frosting--choose a word to focus on all year long, instead of making New Year's Resolutions. I've traced this idea around blogland, and found this with a similar idea: Ali Edwards' project: One Little Word 2012 | The Words

I always forget my resolutions, or feel guilty about them and end up feeling ashamed. This is a new year, and I'm going to try something new.

I love words!

I really do. Words can be used to heal and to hurt. Words can change emotions and even the future. As James learns more and more sight words, I really notice just how amazing--and confusing--our language can be. The subtle differences of a color are a good representative: this Wikipedia page actually names over 20 versions of pink!

I'm a true bibliophile and I L-O-V-E my books. I love books from when I was little all the way to the one I'm reading right now! I've read books to my son almost every day of his entire life. Recently I've been able to read WITH him as well :)

I spent time really listening to my soul on this One Word One Year thing, and I've chosen:

Reduce

There are so many different meanings, so I'm cautiously excited to see where REDUCE leads me this year. Some ideas already:

• reduce time in front of my computer and playing with family instead
• reduce money wasted on grocery shopping by sticking to a list
• reduce my fears
• reduce regrets
• reduce not listening for God's guidance
• reduce unhappiness
• reduce my useless drive for perfection
• reduce my horribly unorganized & out-of-control craft supplies
• reduce shame
• reduce loneliness

Hmmm, I'm starting to get a little freaked out now....

• Reduce making lists that only trigger more anxiety!!

So, let's see where "Reduce" leads me this year :)

Psalm 37:4

This was written several months ago and I never got around to publishing it.  But with the holidays come all kinds of memories, and not all of them are good.  I'm nervous about my upcoming extended-family get-together.  My heart has been broken many ways this year, by many people in many ways.  A small part of me wants to skip all the hoopla, that part that likes to hide and pretend that there's nothing "out there" worth it.  I know better, I have no intention in hiding from anything.  But for now...this is me.


Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.  Psalm 37:4   


My entire 36 years of existence has been both based on and haunted by this Scripture. 

"Based on" because in 1974 my strictly devout Baptist parents sat their 9 and 6 year old boys down and said that they felt a little girl was needed to complete the family.  And so they prayed, and because this was before ultrasound, they did not know until I was born that God had answered their prayers.  I was dedicated to the Lord a few weeks later, and this Scripture was my blessing.

"Haunted by" because by the time I was 8, my oldest brother who I fought with constantly was away at college, my middle brother was 15 and while he loved me greatly, he was a teenager, so...well, you understand.  And my parents got divorced.  Not a friendly divorce either--it was a full-out battle from 1984 until right before Christmas 1993 when I had to go to court testify against my father for not paying child support--during my Christmas break from college.

"Delight thyself?"  There was no delight.  My brothers went off and lived their own lives, and I was raised pretty much as an only child.  My father knew that my mother's biggest fears centered around me, so he did everything he could to torture her--not paying child support, late drop-offs from forced visitation weekends, threats galore, all breaking my heart every single time.

My mother loves me to this day, and reminds me that it's HER delight she was praying for.  But I was still bitter--WHY would they spend all that time praying for me, only to leave me to fend for myself?  My total anger at my father and my brothers has become a real problem at several times in my life, and since I believe in counseling, I always ended up being able to move on...until the next time.

At Easter this year, there was what can only be described as an explosion between all of us--and my husband and I withdrew from my side of the family completely.  Once again, I was all alone.

Let me backtrack a little, and say that my mother was an amazing single mother.  No longer strictly devout, she was still a child of Christ, and taught me both by example and education about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  She would also rant and rave at God, shaking her fists towards the sky in complete anger at God--something I considered to be a sign of strength, such bravery she showed me!  (She is embarrassed by that, and would hate me writing it, but I'm doing it anyway.)

She also showed me by example that there are times in Life when you are so hopeless, so scared, feeling so worthless, that not even kneeling before God is enough--lying prostrate on the floor is the only way to ask God for His intervention to guide your way.

So, back to this year--I had a day come where I was like that--so heartbroken, so hopeless and helpless that I literally l found myself down on the floor, begging for answers and guidance and light--and I was given comfort through Grace:

For the first time in my 36 years, I realized that it was not just my 2 brothers and parents at that table praying for me, but that JESUS was there too, praying right along beside them for my existence.  That even though my human father had done such damage to my soul, that even though my brothers lived their own lives and left me to face it alone, and that even though the explosion had happened that shattered what relationships we all had--none of it mattered.

JESUS had been beside me all along.  He'd never abandoned me.  He'd never gotten mad at me and not called for months on end.  JESUS wanted me, had prayed for me and continued to do so--and that blew my mind.

I sincerely pray that Jesus does join my family for the celebration of His birth.  And also yours.  He is also called "Wonderful Counselor," you know :)

This is still my favorite time of the year, and I've made the conscious decision to make sure our home has a merry state-of-mind.