REDUCE: Missing Out on Moments Like These

I am annoyed at Blogger at this particular moment, but I'll get over it.  Because you know, there's no way it could be MY fault that the post I was editing somehow got deleted, and I easily forgive technology for its shortcomings.

So, from what I can recover: 

...Missing Out on Moments Like These:

James, Christmas Morning, literally seconds before tearing into his gifts

Do you remember this feeling?  On Christmas morning, just the very idea that some stranger brought you the perfect gifts?  And everything looks different, and it's like the perfect dream come to life.  These are the days I hope to remember as he graduates high school, gets married--those days when you think back to when life was simple (even though it isn't) and it was so easy to make your child happy (even though it isn't.)  I'm so very, very happy with my memories of the holidays this year.  We were "unplugged," no laptops, no phones full of texts or drama.

Since my "One Word, One Goal, One Year" is REDUCE, I can see how I'm missing out on my son's life.  I take pictures--but then they have to be uploaded, edited, emailed around.  I talk to my husband and son every evening, except that at least 50% of my attention is focused on my computer, simply strolling Pinterest for Eye Candy.  My husband is usually doing Facebook games or playing World of Warcraft with his Dad online--but he's better at the whole "divided attention" thing.  I have 600+ pictures of projects I will never get around to doing or furniture I'll never be able to afford, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the day will NEVER come when I refinish and paint my own "accent pieces."

So I sit, and I stare, and I'm not actually happy being so lazy and disconnected.

But.... I have no clue at all what ADVENTURES my son is conquering with his toys just 5 feet away from me.  If the choice is between getting more and more depressed as I see more and more of what I cannot do, obviously playing with James is much more fun and satisfying.

Quick back story: My brothers are 10 and 7 years older than me.  They have joined forces to make every Christmas and birthday "miserable" for me by buying the loudest, most annoying and, to be honest, usually the most fun toys possible for my child.  (Was I really that bratty as a kid?)  James was 2 when he got a toy drum set and a RC car that made the most horrible noises ever (I will admit here that the car "stopped working" due to having the batteries removed ;P)  Similar toys followed, and it's been fun to see them top the obnoxiousness of last year's gifts.  We got a very cool 2 loop inversion-type car track last year--but 2011 brought this awesome toy into our lives:

I wonder if the creator of this set grew up in Atlanta?  Or does every major city have a point where at least 2 major interstate highways intersect?  Anyway, it's fun, but loud, which doesn't matter because it makes James laugh so much.  He LOVES this thing.  It's supposed to have several cars going at once, which takes more dexterity than we have at this moment--but just one car is still fun.  Oh, a fair warning though: the cars also tend to go flying off the track and into your walls, so that's why it's on our large coffee table in the middle of the room.

Hot Wheels Criss Cross Crash Track Set

Last night though, I knew the track was on and cars were flying, but I didn't really pay attention until I heard the roar of a dragon.

Yes, that is a dragon (Christmas 2009) eating a "whale" (a plush dolphin purchased for $1 at a school fundraiser.)  (I especially love this dragon because I think he sounds just like my husband waking up in the morning....)

So where does the race track join the show?  Apparently the dragon had been at sea to catch a whale, and was bringing his "take-out" home to eat. Along the way he found traffic was especially bad, so of course it was a good time for a good game of Dragon Stomp:

Total annihilation is awesome stress-relief ;p

All this destruction was accompanied by my son's maniacal "evil laugh," which is most likely the source of my amusement.  I didn’t play with him, but it was enough for him to have an adoring crowd.

What I've learned so far : 

As adults, we think about "what goes together."  We think and focus on the full scene that's in front of us: these dishes go with those glasses but a different tablecloth; this old side table is too small to use as a nightstand but looks terrible in the living room; the comforter in the guest room looks terrible with this paint. 

Kids see everything as equal and useful--it does not matter that Superman and Thomas the Tank Engine could never join forces to destroy The Joker's evil lair which is comprised of wooden building blocks, Lego's and the pizza box from last night's dinner.

**I wonder how much more we could accomplish if we tried these ideas ourselves: what’s fun about this table setting for Valentine’s—oh, those cute scrapbook stickers can dress up the plain napkin holders and I can use the red Mardi-Gras beads around the chandelier to make the dining room look special.**

**This small table can go in the library so we have a place for a lamp in there.  We can move that extra rocking chair in there too and make it a fun place to read as well as store books.**  
**Since we never have company and have yet to have an actual “guest” use the “guest room,” let’s move that old sofa and the “pre-flatscreen”TV in there and have a mini Family Theater room.**
**Or, I can check the thrift stores for a comforter cover that matches the room.**

Kids play and use whatever they've got close-by to contribute to the action.  What do I have close-by to use in my art journal or to make a very cool bracelet or how can I use my craft stash to come up with something completely awesome....  Let's play!

One Word, One Goal, One Year

I found a great idea on Less Cake More Frosting--choose a word to focus on all year long, instead of making New Year's Resolutions. I've traced this idea around blogland, and found this with a similar idea: Ali Edwards' project: One Little Word 2012 | The Words

I always forget my resolutions, or feel guilty about them and end up feeling ashamed. This is a new year, and I'm going to try something new.

I love words!

I really do. Words can be used to heal and to hurt. Words can change emotions and even the future. As James learns more and more sight words, I really notice just how amazing--and confusing--our language can be. The subtle differences of a color are a good representative: this Wikipedia page actually names over 20 versions of pink!

I'm a true bibliophile and I L-O-V-E my books. I love books from when I was little all the way to the one I'm reading right now! I've read books to my son almost every day of his entire life. Recently I've been able to read WITH him as well :)

I spent time really listening to my soul on this One Word One Year thing, and I've chosen:

Reduce

There are so many different meanings, so I'm cautiously excited to see where REDUCE leads me this year. Some ideas already:

• reduce time in front of my computer and playing with family instead
• reduce money wasted on grocery shopping by sticking to a list
• reduce my fears
• reduce regrets
• reduce not listening for God's guidance
• reduce unhappiness
• reduce my useless drive for perfection
• reduce my horribly unorganized & out-of-control craft supplies
• reduce shame
• reduce loneliness

Hmmm, I'm starting to get a little freaked out now....

• Reduce making lists that only trigger more anxiety!!

So, let's see where "Reduce" leads me this year :)

Safe and Sound--on the web :)

Ever get one of those OCD projects, where you realize halfway into it that you didn't need to do all this, but by then you've put time and effort into it so darnit, better to just keep on....  Add in that it's also one of those times where you know you created something on your computer but it insists that you didn't? 

Yup.  All night long.

So now I'm going to make use of this amazing electronic world and "store" my beautiful OCD list of World of Warcraft books in mostly chronological order here on my blog, where I'll probably never look at it again.....  Not very interesting to most, I know, but here it is so I never have to do this again!  I've also emailed it to myself. :)  But maybe someone else can find this list if they need it one day.

I'm also working on a general list of all the series books I read.  I plan to print this sucker out and tape it on a shelf where each series books are stored.  Another part of my OCD is that I cannot start a book or series unless I've read the previous books.  Even if I'm loving the book, I'll put it aside until I get caught up with the one I'd started.

I'm a sick, sick person sometimes....

I did manage to find two excellent chronological lists, and without them, well, it wouldn't have been pretty this morning at all!
So thank you:

Eric J. Weldon for his "Warcraft Books In Order" list on Amazon.com, 

and since I can't find a name to honor, I'll just say that the WoWWiki is so incredibly helpful, especially this completely awesome "Novel Guide" which helped me along my way.  It's an  extremely helpful resource for a game as complex as World of Warcraft., no matter how long you've played.  

I also for the sake of my family decided not to try to hunt down some of the stray short stories; I'm not really into "short stories" on their own, and I also made a choice to stop when I did, although I've been sitting here playing around with the colors, etc, and I am seriously stopping this now!

World of Warcraft fiction

The War of the Ancients Trilogy by Richard A. Knaak:

The Well of Eternity

The Demon Soul”

The Sundering”  And using the info from the WoWWiki, "ancient" is seriously ancient, being set a whopping 10,000 years ago and yet still being somehow relevant to the present.......

*Day of the Dragon by Richard A Knaak

*Lord of the Clans by Christie Golden

*The Last Guardian by Jeff Grubb

*Of Blood and Honor by Chris Metzen

=The Warcraft Archive Omnibus

Cycle of Hatred by Keith R. A. DeCandido **this book begins exactly one year before (“vanilla”) WoW**

***Rise of the Horde by Christie Golden

***Tides of Darkness by Aaron Rosenberg

***Beyond the Dark Portal by Christie Golden and Aaron Rosenberg

+”*The Last Guardian” by Jeff Grubb

***=Chronicles of War Omnibus

Night of the Dragon by Richard A. Knaak

Arthas: Rise of the Lich King by Christie Golden (this prologue and epilogue take place just before WotLK)

Stormrage by Richard A. Knaak

The Shattering: Prelude to Cataclysm by Christie Golden

Wolfheart by Richard A. Knaak

Thrall: Twilight of the Aspects by Christie Golden

Holiday Hangover

Since the school had their Halloween event this past Friday, I've been "over" Halloween ever since.  (By the way, the school's event was a "book character parade," and it never fails to amuse me the many ways they can celebrate Halloween without ever calling it "Halloween....")  My sister-in-law is currently out with my son trick-or-treating in our lil town's "shop downtown" Halloween event.  I'm so thankful for her, you have no idea!

My head has moved on from Halloween straight to Christmas.  "It's the most won-der-ful tiiiime of the year!" has been running through my head all day.  I actually love Thanksgiving, but we haven't really been "into" it the past several years.  Currently, I blame the lack of songs ;P  If there was an annoying Thanksgiving song, then it'd be running through my head, I'd probably be feeling more Thanksgiving-y....

Oh well...let's pull out the lights and wreaths and all those fun ornaments!!  (Not really, I will wait a day or two...maybe.)  One of the best things about having a fake tree is the ability to put it up whenever you want to, and leave it up for as long as you like.

While I'm debating whether the tree should go up tomorrow or wait til the weekend (ha ha) here's some pictures of Christmas past to tide me over:

2007, and yes that's a bow on my son's head, he seemed to think it appropriate and we've gone with it--every year on purpose now.  Don't you love family traditions like that?  I do :)

2008--I put fake things under the tree as place-holders for presents, like stuffed animals

Our first mantle in our home--Christmas 2008

2009--opening presents with Daddy I <3 this sooo much!

Let's get some red and green flowing through this house!!!

Harry Potter vs. Twilight

One of the benefits of having your own blog is that you can state your opinion on popular culture.  Both Harry Potter and Twilight have been on my mind lately because people keep comparing them.  And it's driving me slowly insane.

It's Halloween--time to dress up, right?  Be who you'd like to be, feel young again, whatever.  And lots of people are choosing Harry Potter costumes.  And vampire costumes are always fashionable--think "Interview with a Vampire," fangs, teeth, neck-sucking, all that kind of stuff.  NONE of which is in the Twilight movies or books.  People seem to think if they add glitter, then Lestat becomes Edward Cullen (and their costume from 17 years ago is suddenly relevant again.) 

Um, no.  And you know what?  This crap pisses me off.  This, for example:

the edward cullen vampire cupcake stand

has absolutely NOTHING relevant to Twilight, Edward Cullen or even the movie "Vampires Suck," which was actually pretty funny.  (My husband and I can't watch Twilight now without saying "Look, it's the Black Eyed Peas!")

The whole reason Stephenie Meyer has been and continues to be so involved with "The Twilight Saga" (aka the movies as opposed to the books) is so NONE of the typical vampire crap sneaks into her story.  She's been heavily criticized for it, but she HAS to be.  Why?  She wants her books to be accurately portrayed on the big screen, and she has good reason to fear otherwise. 

Some of the ABSOLUTE CRAP making its way around lately:
This quote from 2009 by a socially-irrelevant writer who sells the rights to his books as if he's a pimp on a street corner:

is suddenly all over both Pinterest and Facebook.  And this, which drives me practically INSANE with its ignorance:

 I would list a source here, but all I can find are links to the same picture, over and over again.

It probably wouldn't bug so much if I felt people had actually read all the books for both series and watched all 3 of the Twilight Saga films. 

Twilight is NOT just about having a hot boyfriend--it's about finding your soul-mate and choosing to be with them for eternity, something which should be appealing to all of us from divorced households growing up, and who are now old enough to realize just how hard marriage really can be.  It's about finding your "niche" in the world: Bella is clumsy everywhere, all the time.  Becoming a vampire suddenly gives her the freedom to walk down the street without breaking her leg or worse--my gosh, her own mother accepts the story that it's "normal" for Bella to fall through a PLATE GLASS WINDOW!!!

And in the end--if you would freaking READ the end--it's Bella's power that saves them all--she surrounds her family, their friends, and most importantly, Edward, from the threat of the Volturi.  She is not hiding behind Edward, waiting for him to save her--she does it, on her own, without him even knowing she has the ability to do so!  How does that make her a bad role model?  She literally becomes the SHIELD to protect her family in battle!!  What wife, what mother, would not do the same?

And at the same time, when she could be sitting around playing with her daughter and letting the men protect her, Bella is off making arrangements for her daughter and Jacob to be able to run, to get away from the Volturi if the battle goes badly--again, with no help from Edward or even Jasper (who usually handles getting the necessary fraudulent documents for the Cullen family.)  So while she's learning how to harness her power, she's also doing what every mother does and preparing for the worst.

GOD, just give it up already!  Get something new to discuss!  I know: what's one way you can help this country out of its recession?  Or, how can we raise public consciousness about water conservation?  Or, what can you teach your child about tolerance by SHUTTING UP ABOUT THIS ALREADY???

In the end, they're both BOOKS, people.  And since literacy is one of the factors in determining a child's success later in life--let them read!  I remember when churches were telling the schools not to carry the Harry Potter novels, that they were about real "Witchcraft" and opened the door for Satan to ruin their child's life.  Now, ten years later, it's accepted, even assumed, that everyone has read (and loved) every one of the Harry Potter books and every Harry Potter movie.

I've read them all, and loved them all.  I read the last Harry Potter book with a pack of tissues at my side, and at times sobbing completely.  I read all of the Twilight books, in a row, staying up all night to do so in spite of having a 3-year-old to take care of all day. 

They are all wonderful books--go read them and be an example to our children that even as adults, we can understand how hard it is to be a kid in a grown-up's world.  Show them that true courage is not limited to warriors in the past.  Show them that whatever they choose, all you want is their future happiness.

So, this is MY OPINION on MY blog.  Disagree with me?  I don't care, life is too short and I have too much laundry to fold to think about this anymore!

Thyme for Courage

Wow...just wow!!  I've been thinking and thinking of what to name this blog.  I brainstormed on paper, wrote down all kinds of words.  I read some inspirational books and even poems from my favorite Rumi book (plus, it was handy, a lot of my books are in storage bins right now....) 

Rumi's advice, by the way, was:

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you.

When actions come from another section, the feeling disappears.

and

Speak the clearest truth you know, and let the dis-ease heal.  

(And here I thought dis-ease was a phrase made up by all the self-help hippie gurus, lol.)

And my favorite:

Love is a river.  Drink from it.

which may end up being my new motto.  But no blog titles jumped out.

I knew I wanted something to do with courage, since that's something I feel I lack, and this blog and my art journal group both are helping me feel courageous again.  Plus it's part of the Authenticity pledge from Brene Brown:

source

And all this time, the answer was already on my Pinterest page:

"love the words" is all my pin said

The image is from here: The Urban Farmhouse Shoppe

"Herb Crates

This is a wonderful set of herb crates as seen on Layla's blog.  I love these.  These are distressed and no 2 sets are alike.  They do contain wear marks and markings to make them looked aged.  Hurry, these sell out fast in the shop and online!!"

They're having a sale right now--go check their site out!

Anyway...
I did a web search to check for any other blogs with the same or similar names, and found this article called "Eat This!"

Since ancient times, thyme has been associated with courage and has been used as a natural antidepressant.   

The Scottish highlanders drank wild thyme tea to muster courage and to ward off nightmares.  

Thyme was sacred to the Druids, who used it to treat depression and ward off negativity.  The passage ends like this: The next time you're feeling depressed or need that extra courage and energy to face the day, try smelling a bit of thyme.

Could there be a better title for my blog?  "The Intersection of Crafts and Recovery" sounds more like a subtitle.  "An Insomniac Who Worries Constantly" isn't good either, lol.  "Crafts and Therapeutic Writing" sounds more like a schedule at a Recovery Hospital.  "Kimmy's Ramblings" doesn't tell anyone anything helpful....

I even searched with my name and found so many Kim Davises that I got really creeped out.  I also read an article a few months ago about craft blogs that carelessly toss around words that have negative meanings ("crafty" has synonyms of cagey and devious, for example.)  So, taking all that into consideration....

Thyme For Courage sounds pretty freaking awesome to me.  :)

Choices...and Shame

I've mentioned I read a life-changing book this past summer by Brene Brown called I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power.  I love her website, and she published this article the other day.  I was honestly on there this evening trying to remember if I had left a comment, when I saw another person's comment that broke my heart.  So, this is my response to another person over at Ordinary Courage.  I'm re-posting it here for this reason alone: it's strange that I feel I can comfort a stranger when I refuse to comfort myself....  I think this is an area I need to look at in myself.  My "self-talk" has gotten a little too hateful lately, so I need to think of myself in this manner:

Ms. Brown, I'd like to address "ashamed" from above who left this message.  Please feel free to delete my response if this isn't appropriate....  I am just another woman, and my advice is definitely more "streetwise" than educational.  I clicked on her name but it was unable to email her back.

She said: "I love the advice that you offer. When can we discuss the fear and shame involved in the decision to not become a parent? How do I face that without judging myself or having others judge me?
10.17.2011 | ashamed"

Dear heart, I have no clue who you are or what challenges you face, but I'd give you a hug if I could.

The decision to have or not have children is such a personal choice, yet it is considered an integral part of our PUBLIC identity.  The reasons for both choices are infinite, yet they don't really matter--know that on BOTH sides of this "coin" of parenthood, judgement is constantly being faced. 

There are always going to be those who disagree with our decisions, so if your choice is to not have children, I don't think it's shameful at all.  Embrace your identity!  I sincerely say that to you--embrace it.  Make peace with yourself knowing that you are doing the right thing. 

We are all criticized constantly, for what kind of car we drive and how well we maintain it to what we wear to the grocery store to how we decorate our homes for the holidays to whether we contribute money to buy a birthday cake for some co-worker when we don't know him and we're on a diet to even being on a diet (or not!) or being on a tight budget....  It is endless!!!!! 

One of my favorite books is "I Don't Know How She Does It," and in spite of the fact that I read it once, about 8 years ago and well over at least 350 books ago, I remember this so vividly: She's a working mom of 2.  She orders PLAIN cupcakes from the grocery store and ICES them herself, so she is not criticized by the other mothers at her child's school for "not loving them enough" to bake for the bake sale.  She also buys a pie and whacks it (like, with a rolling pin, and I think she throws some flour on it too) so it doesn't look purchased either.  Talk about being afraid of judgement!!

What I learned from Ms. Brown's book this past summer is that the SHAME separates us, when in fact, it's a UNIVERSAL emotion.  I'm so ashamed of the selfish reasons I had for being a parent, I really am.  There have been many times when I've wondered what on earth made me think I was qualified to reproduce, much less raise a child.....  The fact that I even worry about whether I'm a good-enough parent is (I've been told) a good sign--so wouldn't the opposite be true?  It's the SHAME we need to try to heal from, not our decisions!

I'm still working on letting go of my SHAME.  (I'm a little afraid I'll be doing the same on my deathbed after living a long and fulfilled life 65+ years from now.)  So for tonight, you let go of yours and I'll let go of mine, and we can both go to sleep tonight knowing we're not the only ones, ok?

Make Something! Round-Up

OK, I had this written in one of the craft round-up articles, but I was having a hard time with uploading pictures.  So....

The Amazing Adventure of the Pink Fleur-De-Lis and the Particle Board

I've been saving for years, and I mean since before I was married, approximately 6 moves ago, YEARS, pieces of laminate particle board.  They were mostly from desks, which tend to fall apart when moved, but I've been absolutely positive I could use them for...something!  Art...a frame...another shelf...a rocket to the moon, who knows, lol.

So, with my crafty homemade Mod Podge and a piece of board, I sat down to make an art piece using papers from a scrapbook stack in a beautiful toile black-and-cream theme.  All was going well:

and so I set it aside to dry before I added the final touch: a perfectly painted, perfectly trimmed, perfectly pink fleur-de-lis.  And then, when I went back to the piece, much to my dismay (yet also amusement) the paper slid right off the darn board.

If I had PLANNED for that to happen...not in a million years.  But it did, so now I have a beautiful kind-of French themed POSTER!

Also, a tip: when doing a project like this, it is NOT the time to throw a book page into the mix.  Book pages are thin, cardstock is heavy, and when mixed with water and glue, the book page wrinkles, becomes practically translucent, and just generally messes things up.

The Superhero Known As Gel Medium

I had the gel medium out because I was using it in my experiments on Jason's birthday present.  While waiting for paint to dry (literally) I looked up my brand of gel medium online.  And was I AMAZED at all the things it could do--but the most important: it works as decoupage!!  Who knew, right????

So with nothing to lose, I followed the instructions and what do you know: gel medium makes cardstock adhere to particle board!  You can see it in this photo of my last big project...

MAKE SOMETHING!

Using the same canvas I'd been playing around (I mean, experimenting) on for Jason's birthday present, I layered papers until I found a final layout I liked.

I started out with a stack of some things...most of which didn't make it on the final project.

Layers upon layers...  I'm pleased to announce that homemade M.P. does not ruin glitter or flocking, as some of these papers had those details.  It DID ruin my printed inkjet paper, but at that point I already knew the mixture was too watery, so that may not happen again.

layers and layers and layers--lol

I also made this little heart out of 2 pipe cleaners and some twine.  It was inspired by something similar but I can't link it right now because Pinterest is down.  LOL

So, here's the final creation, ready to hang:

Soooo...go make something!

Oops, one more!  Literally, a sheet wrapped around a huge piece of cardboard, for decoration and organization in James's room.  (We have Sight Words now, every week!)  I actually ended up making 2 of these, about the same size.  I'm really hoping this is the last we'll be seeing of Thomas for a while!

Unexpected Honesty (Authenticity)

There is a huge, I mean H-U-G-E event going on this month all over Blogland called 31 Days of Change.  I mean it's this kind of big: there are 746 different ones to choose from.  Holy Blogging, Batman!!  Here's a link to the full list.  In essence, each of those blogs has undertaken a challenge to write 31 tips, one each day this month, to help someone else improve their life.  With 746 to choose from, you're bound to find one or two that are perfect for you!

I've been following Organizing Made Fun's 31 Days to {Cheaply} Organize your Home which I've enjoyed in spite of already being a regular reader.  There's several others, but this is the one I wanted to write about:

I happened to find Faith Barista's 31 Days to Feed Your Soul through the list of topics and blogs, and I'm so glad I did--my soul does need feeding!  One of my favorite art journal pieces is titled "struggling to hear the whispers of my soul."  I've really enjoyed each day's topic, but as with any series, one is special to me, as if written directly to me from the Lord when I need His guidance:

Feed Your Soul :: { Day 5 } When You Can’t Fall Apart (Grace For The Good Girl Book Giveaway) hit very close to my heart, following right along with my choice to be more authentic in my life; this is me, to a T:

I managed life, managed myself, and hid my emotions.
When you don’t allow yourself to fall apart, something slowly happens.  Your heart becomes sensitized to your inadequacies and the fear of people not liking you.
You stop taking risks.  Your world becomes smaller and dreams become a distant memory.

Do you know, even in this daily journey I'm on, to be real, authentic, and not let perfectionism or the shame of not being perfect ruin my life, I never recognized the truth of these words.

My world has indeed become very, very small.  I don't take risks.  I'm so positive that people will not like me that I don't even try anymore.  My dreams and goals have been whittled down to almost nothing....  

This breaks my heart: I realized, the last few weeks but especially the past few days, that one of my BIG dreams, one that I've imagined for myself and my family since before I had a family, was to spend a week at Yellowstone National Park.   I've watched documentaries on the wildlife, the history of the park, how it was our 1st National Park....  I know all kinds of useless but fun facts about it.  

I was close to the Park itself back in 1999, with a different husband and no plan for children, we were in Jackson Hole, Wyoming on a business trip and drove through the Grand Tetons. It was close enough to whet my appetite, to plant the seed of a dream vacation in a place where some of God's best work is on display.  But.....

The Truth: it's not going to happen.  For many reasons, all too personal to even write about in this very personal blog, but it's just not going to happen.  I feel like a part of my soul has died with this realization.  I'm  trusting (well, trying to) that God has some purpose for me, but right now, I'm simply broken inside.  Your world becomes smaller and dreams become a distant memory.

I've posted earlier that my husband's birthday is this month, and his dad has planned a party, (albeit without consulting me first....) and I can tell you now that I will not be there.  I know myself, I know where I am emotionally inside enough to know that if even a phrase is spoken with an un-intended tone, it will break my heart and may sever my already-too-thin ties completely with extended family.  Your heart becomes sensitized to your inadequacies and the fear of people not liking you.

My absence will be noticed, most likely misconstrued as ill feelings towards his family, and may have long-term effects that I'll regret.  Jason has already let his dad know I won't be there, and..,well, it's hard for anyone in my husband's very-social family to understand me....

The truth: I can craft until the cows come home; I can create something cute/useful/"artful" out of just about anything, but in the end, nothing has changed.  To use the phrase from this article, I'm too concerned with not losing it, with keeping these nasty fear-based based emotions hidden inside, to be able to let myself fall-apart.  But the REAL truth is that everyone else DOES see it, they DO know, and everyone except ME knows I HAVE fallen apart.

Anyway, I wrote this in the comments on this article, and this is what I wrote--it surprised me what emotions I was feeling....  I'm ending my blog entry here, so the rest of this was written in response to the Good Girl article.

This past summer, I read "I Thought It Was Just Me, But It Isn't", a book about perfectionism and this drive women like me have to ALWAYS have this "perfect face" out for the world to see, when inside we are so ashamed of feeling imperfect that it ruins all the joy in our lives.  I highly recommend it!

Feeling the pressure to be "a good girl" is something I've felt my entire life.  As a child of divorce in the early 80s, one of a generation of "latch-key kids," I grew up torn between being perfect for mom, being perfect for dad, being perfect at school, and failing miserably at all of it.  I didn't realize then that my parents problems, the cause of their divorce and the ensuing acrimony, was about them and their relationship, and had nothing to do with me.  Only as an adult, and being a parent has given me further insight, can I see how much of my childhood I wasted trying to be what no one BUT me expected: the perfect daughter, girl, student, sister, friend.

I so wish I could go back in time and hug that little girl, and let her know that she's free to play, to get messy, to laugh too loud with friends and to make mistakes.  God's Perfect Sacrifice had already been made, I didn't need to fulfill that role within my family.

I'm very much enjoying your 31-day series, and I'll be looking for Ms. Freeman's book.  Thank you for this outlet as well, I'm surprised at these emotions--I didn't realize that I still felt this way.

Too Much of a "Perfect Thing"

Did you ever get something for crafting, like paper, ephemera or cloth, and then be too afraid to use it?  Well, not "afraid" exactly, more like keeping it for a "better" project while you instead on go crafting, only a "better" project never shows up?

I've been doing that.  Back in August (I can say that, because its almost October!) I bought 1 yard each of the perfect lime and the perfect turquoise for my obsession crafting.  I also got a yard of this yummy brown material that uses all the colors together. Only...I've never used it.

I'm not sure why, but those 3 materials are still sitting here, perfectly folded, while I've used all kinds of other random, boring, not-quite-right materials to make:
a lampshade
a pinboard
basket slipcovers
approximately 20(thousand, lol) flowers
and covered my 12x12 scrapbook paper storage thingie (did I show my storage thingie?  It's a stack of Pizza Hut boxes, clean ones of course, stacked and taped together.  They're the perfect size!)

see this cute but non-matching material?  My skirt from my college days...and this tower needs more work still in this picture, it looks better now

Well, no more!  I am resolved to MAKE SOMETHING with my "special" fabric this weekend!  Although I have no idea what.......

I'm Trying To Choose Authenticity (the short version)

(I've written 2 versions of this post.  One is the Real Truth, the other is the "Reader's Digest" version.  I'm too afraid to publish the other version now, even on this little blog not even my husband reads.....)

I read a lot.  I read books, I read blogs--I have at least 20 blogs that I keep up-to-date with through my email, and another 10 or so blogs on my Google homepage.  I've always been a reader.

Earlier this year, I read an amazing, gut-wrenching, life-changing book called I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power by Brene Brown.  (#20 on my book list, on the sidebar--->)  It's me to a T--I get very hung-up on this idea of having the IMAGE of a perfect life to the point of making myself and my family miserable, and making myself physically ill.  And then this summer, in the throes of the hardships of LIFE, I read a column on Christy Tomlinson's blog about this topic and I was inspired to address the issue on my own blog. 

But like other Life Lessons, it takes a long time to learn, a long time where there is nothing but failure, and a hard journey to walk alone.  This book addresses the issue of SHAME and how the burden of it weighs us down, sometimes to the point of not being able to breathe or even function "normally."

I have major depressive disorder--and because of the constant shame I feel, NO ONE knows the truth of my life.  But, my point to this post: I came across a little "badge" on another blog, and when I clicked on it, I found myself on Brene Brown's website.  I didn't even know she had one!  I was astounded, and once again awed by the kind of "coincidence" that comes only from God's Love.   So I've added the badge to my little blog, at the top, right over there----->  I'll see it every time I proofread a post, and try every day to live up to this new AUTHENTIC LIFE.

Obviously, I'm not doing a great job of it, but: baby steps, Kimmy, baby steps........

Impossible!

I'm rarely on Facebook.  It's not that I have anything against it, I'm just not "into" it.  I'll spend a whole day going through the 9oo+ links on T&J's Weekend Wrap-up, but I lose interest in FB within 5 minutes.  This might be why:

In high school, my 2 best friends were in the class above me.  They graduated in 1992 and I graduated in 1993.  I logged onto FB just now and one of the first things I see is their 20th High School Reunion invitation, set for July 2012.  Now,see, that's impossible!  If they graduated 20 years ago, then I graduated 19 years years ago.  And that can't be!  I'm way too young for that.  And too irresponsible.  And too...young. 

My birthday was this past week.  I had a happy one.  Until just now, when I thought "old" was closer than I thought, lol.  It's tons more fun looking at 300+ dresser makeovers than to be shocked by milestones I don't want to reach.....

Being Authentic vs. Being Perfect + Storage Inspiration

Today over on Christy Tomlinson's blog she writes a wonderful column about what it means to be authentic, and what you have to gain by letting others, whether it's your spouse, your friends, or your readers, get to know the REAL you.  I  hope you'll click over and read the rest, bc it's full of the kind of messages I can never get enough of.  But this part in particular stood out for me:

...and remember that being authentic means NOT having to be perfect and not having to live up to others expectations.. but just BEING WHO YOU ARE and being okay with that. YOU are enough. Sometimes we try so hard to be someone we aren't. We want to be the perfect mom, or the perfect friend, or the perfect wife. Guess what? NO one is perfect and guess what else?  Your family only WANTS you..it's the same with your friends, your work, your community. They want what YOU have to offer them. THEY NEED what you have to offer them. We all do. We all need each others true selves.  You know the other cool thing about being authentic and sharing yourself.. is that when you do.. you will get that back in return.. again and again and again.   What a beautiful concept.. a beautiful relationship to have with others.. INCLUDING yourself

It goes right along with what I've been facing in my personal life right now, and I must say that it is so refreshing to just be me and let whatever happens happen.  I hope you can do that today too :)  I've spent so many hours wondering and worrying about how imperfect I am and it hasn't helped a single situation, so I'm trying a new attitude.

My massive overhaul of my craft room is still ongoing.  I found sooo much stuff that needed to be thrown away, like paint bottles from about 2001 that I've carted from apartment to apartment to house, etc.  I highly recommend going through your supplies, pulling out the stuff waaaay in the back, and making sure it's still useful.

The other situation, I've come to realize, is that my supplies were so scattered that I've ended up buying multiples of things I didn't know I already had.  (Seriously, I found 8 sheets of dark brown felt...8!!  What did I plan on making??)  I've come up with a storage plan, mainly inspired by this post over on Make It Homey.

This photo was posted by Sandi Sharp for her article entitled "Toy Armoire."

My idea is to put a small bookshelf in my armoire, adding more storage space to this HUGE and unused piece of furniture.  When we moved into our house, we used a professional moving company and they somehow managed to get this enormous piece of furniture into the tiniest room of the house, and it will remain there forever more.  (Also, there's a sofa in another room that's the same way, we have tried everything but bacon grease to get the ugly thing out to no avail.)  I was going to use the armoire as craft supplies storage then, but it became a dumping ground instead.  We're now changing that room into a bedroom for our son, and we decided that if we let him use the armoire for toy storage (like Mrs. Sharp did) my son would literally rip the doors off the hinges because he likes to "swing" on doorknobs.  So he gets the closet and I'm taking back my armoire from the Clutter Monster who moved in when we weren't looking.

On Perfection

Around Mother's Day 2010, I started to come out of a deep depression I'd been in for a very long time.  (Years, actually.)  I began to see some of the self-destructive ways I was living, and how to change some of these behaviors.  One of these, the most destructive in my opinion, is this need, this drive, for perfection that I have always felt.  I used to joke about it and say "Oh, it's just a Virgo thing," but the truth is, it's a Kim thing.   And it has to stop.

So this is what I came up with, and I feel the need to repeat this here, as I begin a new blog:

***I must learn, believe, take to heart, and endorse the realization that perfection is an illusion and it is unattainable.

***I am not perfect and I never can be perfect.  I can only do my best every day, even if my best is lying on the sofa watching TV.

***Having perfection as an ideal means I have already failed.

So, maybe you feel the need for perfection in your life too.  Stop it!  We are not perfect creatures, we can never be perfect creatures, and let's face it, life would be pretty boring if we were perfect!  Let's focus instead on the good things around us, and allow "not perfect" make us happy.